Holiday Coping with PW

I have to admit, after such an exciting first Wizards on the Couch

post, I put a lot of pressure on myself for this next one to be great. And it did prove to be more difficult. We’re looking at a session that takes place just before Christmas. The holidays are tough, even for wizards. And I want to make sure I set up this young man with some coping strategies that will really work for him.

Data

My copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is an e-book, or really a PDF in fancy clothes, so I used a random number generator to decide what page of the document to start with.

I landed on a passage with lots of different voices, and that overwhelmed me with options for potential directions to take. There were some obvious ones I could have gone with, but the firm voice of a perfectionist redheaded middle-child kept sticking out to me.

Fred and George, however, found all this very funny. They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, “Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through…” P was deeply disapproving of this behavior. “It is not a laughing matter,” he said coldly. “Oh, get out of the way, P,” said Fred. “Harry’s in a hurry.” {Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 12: The Polyjuice Potion}

Assessment

We all know this wizard often shows disapproval towards his siblings. But I see this going deeper. I think he is straight up tired of his family. And I don’t care who you are, that. is. fair. I’m not surprised that he’d get so frustrated with (and snappy at) his siblings, because he gets treated differently. He and his brothers and sister are all exceptional in different ways. But he is perhaps more introverted, more of a rule-follower, and more serious than the others.

There definitely isn’t anything wrong or less special about that. But many people around him seem to believe there is. And I’m sure that’s taxing on him. I would get snappy too.

This wizard’s siblings do not keep it a secret that they see him as fastidious and uptight. And compared to them, he certainly is. They see those traits as negative, but that doesn’t mean everyone does. In fact, contrary to popular belief, all these traits (introversion, seriousness, attention to detail) can make a great leader. (Maybe let’s talk career goals next time, P?)

Fred, George, and Ginny had chosen to stay at school rather than visit Bill in Egypt with Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. P, who disapproved of what he termed their childish behavior, didn’t spend much time in the Gryffindor common room. He had already told them pompously that he was only staying over Christmas because it was his duty as a prefect to support the teachers during this troubled time. {Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 12: The Polyjuice Potion}

Response

The first thing that stood out to me about this passage was the fact that P did not take the opportunity to have time away from his siblings. I do think he’s telling the truth regarding his reason to stay. First of all, I don’t think he would lie about anything. And two, I think he connects to his teachers in a way he doesn’t connect to anyone else. To me, it’s very telling that he wouldn’t take the opportunity to go to Egypt. He could have had a break from the twins in particular, and a chance to spend time with his parents instead, and he turned that down.

I love that P made the decision to surround himself with faculty members that probably make him feel appreciated. But I think it’s also important to address the distance between him and his parents. I didn’t see it being directly addressed in the text, but I find the lack of closeness between P and his parents to be very present (already!).

For many people, it’s a given that the holidays are all about family. Unfortunately, though, it can also create this toxic situation where there’s pressure to drop everything else, including important “me time.” I think P is potentially having a hard time setting boundaries. That can lead down a scary path to relationship burnout. (There’s a lot of information about family burnout during COVID-19 and romantic relationship burnout, but I think it can apply here too.)

Plan

If this burnout goes unaddressed, it is going to lead pretty quickly to resentment. This resentment can build and build until P can’t even handle being in the presence of his family at all. (Spoiler alert.)

In my opinion, there are a couple things we can work on right away to try to avoid this. First, we’re going to have to normalize the idea that spending time away from family is okay, even during the holidays. I think P is trying to solidify his identify. He’s having a hard time doing so, because he’s facing constant judgment and comparison. He clearly loves his family; otherwise, I don’t think he would engage at all. We see him making consistent effort to connect despite the ridicule. (He doesn’t necessarily do a great job of it, but he’s trying.)

I think he’s taking a great first step by spending more time outside of the Gryffindor common room. Maybe for the next holiday break, I’ll encourage him to take a bigger step and plan his own personal trip. Perhaps he has avoided doing this in the past so as not to hurt or insult his family members. This leads me to my next important suggestion.

As uncomfortable as it’s going to be, I want P to try to be more open with his family. He could start by talking with his parents. I know their initial reactions are bound to be emotional, but I also have a feeling they will try to understand.

It’s okay for P to tell his parents why he needs time apart. For example, “Mom, I need to be alone to do some self discovery.” Or, “Dad, I need a little more time to process this before I make a decision.” He desperately wants to be accepted, but in order for that to happen, he’s going to have to be more honest.

This wizard is nothing if not determined and capable. So, PW, let’s take a little initiative to start making these relationships more healthy and safe for you. Let’s make a self-care and personal boundary plan before you spend the holidays with family. This can allow space for your relationships to flourish. Your family wants to love you. You can show them how.

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