Family Intervention with Mr. D

It finally happened.

My randomly selected passage from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire came up with nothing. To be sure, all the Weasley children separately had sessions with me where they complained about the frustrating Hogwarts Express send-off where Charlie and Bill insisted on leaning into cryptic hints about the Tri-Wizard Tournament. And I’m sorry, but I assure you these sessions were not worth sharing. Some sessions just consist of active listening on my part, and no light bulb moment, and that’s okay. Not every week is a therapy miracle.

So I did what any reasonable wizard therapist would do. I backed up a few chapters so I could kick down the door of Number 4 Privet Drive with an intervention-style camera crew. Because frankly, I can’t decide which dream is higher on my bucket list: conducting couples therapy with our favorite aunt and uncle to hate, or helping their son work through all the weird self-worth narratives they’ve told him.

Time for a family intervention.

Data

We have the distinct privilege of watching some serious Harry-directed nonsense unfold every single summer on Privet Drive. A really interesting thing has happened in this household that has boggled the minds of Harry fans for years. Mrs. D has declared that magic is unacceptable for unspecified reasons, and Mr. D has clung to that notion and run with it. But the kicker is this: the family has come to express this attitude not just through disregard and maltreatment, but as actual extravagant displays of superiority. In other words, Mr. and Mrs. D go out of their way, and give themselves extra work, to make sure their nephew knows he is not special. (Please turn your attention to the laborious dying of old clothes for Harry’s would-be school uniform in Sorcerer’s Stone, etc.)

But why?? I’ve heard many readers asking this lately. When did this family decide to put so much energy into treating Harry poorly? Why do they feel as strongly as they do about him anyway? As this family’s self-appointed therapist, I consider it my job to find the source.

Assessment

There’s so much juicy stuff going on in this family, but let’s start with a 1:1 with Mr. D.

Aside from being the first non-wizard on Wizards On The Couch, I’m actually shocked and proud someone convinced him it would not be shameful to go to therapy. Seriously, Bravo! So naturally, I’m eager to get started with him before he changes his mind. We’re going to try and help him work through his disgust with the letter from Mrs. Weasley.

Other people might not understand why [Mr. D] was making a fuss about too many stamps, but Harry had lived with the [family] too long not to know how touchy they were about anything slightly out of the ordinary. …A slight spasm crossed [Mr. D’s] large purple face. The mustache bristled. Harry thought he knew what was going on behind the mustache: a furious battle as two of [Mr. D’s] most fundamental instincts came into conflict. Allowing Harry to go [to the Quidditch World Cup] would make Harry happy, something [Mr. D] had struggled against for thirteen years. On the other hand, allowing Harry to disappear to the Weasleys’ for the rest of the summer would get rid of him two weeks earlier than anyone could have hoped, and [Mr. D] hated having Harry in the house. {Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Chapter 3: The Invitation}

Do you see that? The stance is so nonsensical that it causes a “furious battle” in his head. If it really were just a dislike for Harry, and a dislike for the abnormal in general, the decision would be a no brainer. <Cognitive dissonance has entered the chat.>

So here’s what I do when I can see a client is blatantly telling himself lies: I reflect them back to him and let him see how they sound coming from the outside. Bring the “furious battle” out of his head and into words.

“So, Mr. D, it sounds like you really dislike unusual things.

Sounds like you dislike unusual things in your house. Even Harry.

You must be so excited for an opportunity to have him go away.

No? You requested that he stay home? Okay.

And how is that working out for you?”

Response

You see, to me, none of this is about a disapproval of strangeness or standing out. In fact, to stand out is just about the only thing Mr. D wants to do. I know that, during our introduction, when I ask him about work, his home, Dudley’s school, and even his lawn, he’s going to either tell me he has the best, or he wants the best. He wants to be recognized for being… extraordinary.

I have no problem with flaunting what you’ve got, because that’s your business. But when it’s so compulsive (and obsessive) it sends up a red flag for me. There’s a desperation in the way Mr. D shows off. So I can see that this is much more about insecurity than actual distaste for what Harry represents.

The main thing I have to do in this first session is to help Mr. D start to realize that it’s not really the abnormality that bothers him. In fact, for his intake, I will happily have him boast all about himself, his work, his son, and his achievements. And my response, over and over, will be “Wow, how extraordinary!” Really drive it home.

Because of Harry’s wizard status (and not to mention his fame) he is extraordinary without even trying. Mr. D has known all this about Harry before he was ever dropped on the doorstep. And for someone who is incredibly insecure, that status and fame is a threat.

So now, the real work starts. I’ll have to help him look back to find the source of all the anger and insecurity. I have to help him turn his attention to his wife. After all, Mrs. D is the one who put it in his head that this house is no place for strangeness. It’s noble that he supports her wishes so wholeheartedly, and he’s done a bang-up job of enforcing it. But it doesn’t appear to me that they’ve had a truly thoughtful conversation about it.

However, I do know that he’s aware of his wife’s complicated relationship with her sister.

So, I’ll ask him something like, “Has your wife told you what happened to cause her and her sister’s falling out?” Because, listen. We all know siblings have rivalries, and that sisters don’t have to be best friends. But to be estranged this way? That takes a seriously triggering event.

Of course we know that Mrs. D disapproves of her late sister’s witch status, but I’ll have Mr. D try to really think about a specific event she mentioned. And maybe he won’t be able to name anything major, but I’m sure he remembers hearing his wife complain about her parents. How during her childhood, “it was Lily this and Lily that, they were proud of having a witch in the family!” {Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Chapter 4: The Keeper of the Keys}

“Wow, Mr. D. Sounds like childhood was quite painful for your wife.

Do you suppose she’s afraid of her son experiencing the same pain? That she’s afraid of it being ‘Harry this and Harry that?'”

Plan

Let’s be clear – I don’t condone or excuse any of the abusive behavior from this family. In fact, there is some serious apology in order, and a lot of making up for the pain they’ve caused. I’m happy to start working with Mr. D first, because we’ve got to get the cruel and unusual punishment to stop right away. Then, I’ve got to have him work with me on a plan, because his wife’s trauma runs deep. I need him to be prepared to support her in a healthy way when she and I begin to work through all of that trauma bit by bit.

Seriously, though, it seems to me that all the animosity comes from the simple fact that, compared to her sister, Mrs. D felt profoundly inadequate. She probably still feels that way, and fears it. Of course she worries that validating Harry and his wizard status will make her child feel insignificant for not being one. She doesn’t want to parent the same way her parents did; unfortunately, she is overcompensating. Mr. D and I have to look through his wife’s verbally abusive behavior to see the little girl inside trying to prove her own worth. Her world is built around making sure her son never feels the way she did. If Mr. D can see that, maybe he can get more of a grasp on the subtleties of the situation, and figure out how to help her without harming Harry.

If I can help him internalize the fact that love and affection and kindness are not pie, and your nephew getting a little doesn’t mean your son getting less, he can start modeling a more compassionate way to foster-parent. He can be a great ally to me in helping Mrs. D see that she is special, and so is her son. But this doesn’t have to mean Harry is not.

The truth is, both Mr. and Mrs. D have a lot of love to give. It’s fully clear, judging by all the praise and affection they show their child. And that alone is something extraordinary about this family — the abundant love they have for each other. Weaponizing it against their nephew has broken the family.

But this same ability to love, if wielded correctly, is enough to repair it.

Let me tell you, if I can help a client like Mr. D get his act sorted, I don’t even mind not actually being a wizard. This is some kind of muggle magic right here.

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