Caring for Your Younger Self with HP

Do

n’t tell anyone, but I chose my own passage for this session. I know, I know. Don’t worry, I’ll do a randomly selected one later. This one is just too good.

You’ve heard this phrase, I’m sure – I’ve seen it appear all over social media recently. Caring for your younger self. Being the person your younger self needed. The phrase seems to be calling out to those who feel lost in career or life path – here’s your purpose. Become that person for others. When you figure out what it was that you needed, you pay it forward, in a way.

But this concept has a long history in psychology, and the idea is a little different to me as a therapist. And, it’s quite important for the kind of client we are meeting today.

It was sort of a coincidence that I had been thinking a lot about Patronuses lately and what their deeper meaning could be. Then, I remembered that Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was on deck for my next installment of #WizardsOntheCouch, and it all clicked. This is what it made me think of.

Data

When you experience trauma or abuse in childhood, it can lead to difficulty finding your way or a lack of motivation in adulthood. In other words, you want someone to swoop in and save you from your problems, because you were denied the opportunity to meet psychological milestones growing up. In some ways, you still need someone to soothe you when you’re upset.

This can manifest in different ways for people who had tough childhoods. It might look like wishing an important adult from your childhood would apologize years later for something that hurt you. Or that they would have helped you do something you felt forced to do on your own. Maybe you feel like you missed out on important life advice because no one thought to give it to you. Unfortunately, unless you have Hermione’s time-turner, these things won’t happen. And that sucks. But, fully accepting that fact can actually be empowering.

Today I’m speaking with a client who experienced both early childhood trauma and abuse. Though he miraculously turned out relatively well-adjusted, he still missed lots of modeling of healthy coping. HP’s personality beautifully illustrates that frustrating double-edged sword of desperately wanting help and answers but not being willing to ask for it. This shows up often in people who didn’t have secure attachments as kids.

Assessment

Towards the end of P of A, HP becomes obsessed with the thought of having seen his dad cast a Patronus to save him. He knows and admits that’s not possible, but he cannot let it go. Deep in his core, he desperately wants to believe this: when he is in a moment of panic, his father will swoop in to make everything right.

The lake was coming nearer and nearer, but there was no sign of anybody. On the opposite bank, he could see tiny glimmers of silver — his own attempts at a Patronus — There was a bush at the very edge of the water. [He] threw himself behind it, peering desperately through the leaves. On the opposite bank, the glimmers of silver were suddenly extinguished. A terrified excitement shot through him — any moment now — “Come on!” he muttered, staring about. “Where are you? Dad, come on — ” But no one came. [He] raised his head to look at the circle of dementors across the lake. One of them was lowering its hood. It was time for the rescuer to appear — but no one was coming to help this time — And then it hit him — he understood. He hadn’t seen his father — he had seen himself — {Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 21: Hermione’s Secret}

Ugh. Anyone else gutted on a whole new level with this reading? (I’m not crying, you’re crying.)

Response

There’s a harsh reality to reckon with here: the fact that his dad is not coming back. There is nobody, really, that will hug him and shield him the way a great dad would in this moment. That’s terribly sad. That’s painfully sad. But swimming through that sadness will allow us to get to the other side – the realization that H is capable of saving himself. “It was time for the rescuer to appear.” And appear he did.

No 13-year-old should have to rescue himself, but with no parents or loving family, this is an important coping strategy for H to practice. It’s not fair, but it has become necessary. No wonder he becomes so proficient at the Patronus charm so quickly. It’s a matter of survival.

So when we say “be the person your younger self needed” we literally mean be that person FOR your younger self. In HP’s case, he’s being that person not only for his younger one-year-old self, but for his younger self of three hours ago.

I saw the time-turner in a whole new way, too. Hermione emphasizes over and over again to H that you must not meddle with time. She almost has to physically hold him back from jumping in front of Hagrid, Pettigrew, and himself on several occasions. But this is the one instance in which he gets away with it.

Time travel is not possible — not unless it’s to become who your younger self needed.

Plan

It’s customary for therapists to disclose as little as possible to their clients to keep the relationship professional. But in certain instances, when a therapist discloses just a tiny insight from her own life, it can actually be beneficial for some clients. This is a young man who is super self-aware, and more than ready to engage in the hard work of therapy. So I feel comfortable bending the rules a little bit in this case. In fact, a breakthrough moment like this is rare, and a great time to share something that can help a client feel connected to me.

This has always been one of my favorite parts of the entire series, and the Patronus charm has always been my favorite spell. (I even had a t-shirt.) It makes sense. It didn’t occur to me until deciding to write this post, but I have been performing the Muggle version of the Patronus charm for years.

As I was googling the proper plural use of “Patronus,” I stumbled across the Latin to English translation of “Expecto Patronum” — and it roughly becomes “I await my protector.”

When I am panicking and feel helpless, the thing that most helps me is to picture my younger self awaiting her protector. Then, with all the confidence I can muster, I step into that role. It’s a technique to manage your anxiety by picturing it as a force outside of yourself. It’s called externalizing. This way, I feel more in control. I tell an invisible 6-year-old me, “It’s okay, I’m here. I know it’s uncomfortable now, but it will be over soon. Let me hold you until then.”

I become my own Patronus. I am caring for my younger self, and in turn, for my present self.

My client is already becoming the person his younger self needed. So what do I do to help him? Validate, validate, validate. Sharing my own method of coping might help him feel assured that what he’s doing is good. I’ll help him process the incredible amount of powerful realizations he had to synthesize and act upon in a split second. The fact that at 13 he can produce a full-fledged Patronus. The fact that it’s Prongs. And the fact that the idealized version of his dad in his head is… himself.

The fact that none of this should have to be true.

Then, I’ll look him in the eye and tell him how proud I am. I think he needs to hear that.

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